I've been wrestling with myself if I should write about this because of how internal it is...but at the same time I'm realizing that bottling my emotions is starting to affect my livelihood. And wow this whole men shouldn't share their emotions doesn't normally phase me, I feel like I've kind of bottled this in for that reason-ish so hopefully writing will help. I mean, it normally does for me.
Anyways, I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. This is strange, because normally I'm pretty carefree and not stressed at all. My anxiety is kind of seasonal though, it typically comes towards the beginning of summer-ish or when school ends because it's a sign of change. Change is scary and while I welcome change, it doesn't mean it is easy. However, on top of that...this summer also carries a different meaning. This summer, Alexis is coming back to New Jersey after she graduates and it will be the first time we may see each other on a more than one-off basis since breaking up.
This 2018, I've been really good about keeping my emotions in check. Honestly, I was doing really well in getting over Alexis and I haven't been thinking of her too much. Especially compared to the panic attacks, tear filled phone calls, and hurt feelings that pretty much plagued the end of 2017...things were definitely looking up. I think after Alexis and I met up a couple times the end of 2017, I was able to re-affirm and tell her that things were just not the same. Yeah, it sucked. But it gave us some really good closure. This carried over well because in 2018 I was able to join a new dance team (Project D), start to settle myself in with my work, focus on myself a bit more, and take time to do things I couldn't do while in a relationship. Aka videogames and anime hahaha.
However, I knew in my heart of hearts that a lot of what I was doing was a facade of sorts. A thin, sepia toned veil that put a false sense of warmth in my life, when in reality, the future may very well still be cold and gray. Distance makes getting over someone 100x easier, but the true test is when that gap is closed. Has my life and feelings really progressed? Or is it all just a fickle lie?
First things first, DR. This is like...the PSAT
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I wrote this back in April, the week before DR. It was a pretty anxious time of my life, but I'm glad to say that things are much better now! Alexis and I have had our closure, made peace with one another, and I've confidently moved on from the past. I moved on before, yes, but I'm more confident now in putting away past demons from our relationship that I was afraid might come back to haunt us in the future.
It's incredible to read how I felt a few months ago and compare that to how my life is right now.
