I've been wrestling with myself if I should write about this because of how internal it is...but at the same time I'm realizing that bottling my emotions is starting to affect my livelihood. And wow this whole men shouldn't share their emotions doesn't normally phase me, I feel like I've kind of bottled this in for that reason-ish so hopefully writing will help. I mean, it normally does for me.
Anyways, I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. This is strange, because normally I'm pretty carefree and not stressed at all. My anxiety is kind of seasonal though, it typically comes towards the beginning of summer-ish or when school ends because it's a sign of change. Change is scary and while I welcome change, it doesn't mean it is easy. However, on top of that...this summer also carries a different meaning. This summer, Alexis is coming back to New Jersey after she graduates and it will be the first time we may see each other on a more than one-off basis since breaking up.
This 2018, I've been really good about keeping my emotions in check. Honestly, I was doing really well in getting over Alexis and I haven't been thinking of her too much. Especially compared to the panic attacks, tear filled phone calls, and hurt feelings that pretty much plagued the end of 2017...things were definitely looking up. I think after Alexis and I met up a couple times the end of 2017, I was able to re-affirm and tell her that things were just not the same. Yeah, it sucked. But it gave us some really good closure. This carried over well because in 2018 I was able to join a new dance team (Project D), start to settle myself in with my work, focus on myself a bit more, and take time to do things I couldn't do while in a relationship. Aka videogames and anime hahaha.
However, I knew in my heart of hearts that a lot of what I was doing was a facade of sorts. A thin, sepia toned veil that put a false sense of warmth in my life, when in reality, the future may very well still be cold and gray. Distance makes getting over someone 100x easier, but the true test is when that gap is closed. Has my life and feelings really progressed? Or is it all just a fickle lie?
First things first, DR. This is like...the PSAT
----
I wrote this back in April, the week before DR. It was a pretty anxious time of my life, but I'm glad to say that things are much better now! Alexis and I have had our closure, made peace with one another, and I've confidently moved on from the past. I moved on before, yes, but I'm more confident now in putting away past demons from our relationship that I was afraid might come back to haunt us in the future.
It's incredible to read how I felt a few months ago and compare that to how my life is right now.
Saturday, June 9, 2018
Saturday, April 21, 2018
Losing Control
For a long time I've told myself I would start blogging again. I didn't know if I would do it on my Tumblr, here, or my secret private Tumblr. But you know...part of the reason I write is because I want to wear my heart on my sleeve--I don't have many things to hide. If I do, it's because it isn't my business to share it. I also told myself when I made my finsta/dinsta that I would channel it to write more. Given the fact that the people I follow on my finsta are people I consider close to me/close enough to read my writing, let's do it. For those of you not used to my writing...I'm a master at word vomit and writing things out of order. So if you want the TL;DR/sparknotes...skip to the last paragraph.
I've posted about this a couple times on my finsta to kind of get that quick vent out...but for those of you who don't know, I suffer from some unknown seizure-like symptoms? Pretty much what happens is that the entire half of my body starts to tighten up and convulse and there's nothing I can do to control it. Mentally, I'm all there and I can use the other half of my body (for the most part), but from my lips to my toes...I can't move. It's happened ever since I was a kid and to be honest, I never really thought much of it. It used to only happen at home with no one watching so I just thought that it didn't matter. Out of sight...out of mind.
However, one day I started getting them in public. I used to get them altar serving...if the Priest called on me too quickly and I wasn't mentally prepared, I'd stumble to him, unable to control half of my body. One day my parents watched as the Priest kind of looked at me in shock, because this time I almost fell over. They had me go to the doctor immediately who said I may be suffering from either dehydration/lack of sodium or some form of seizures. I got an EEG for a few hours, but nothing was ever uncovered. The only thing that added up was that if I wasn't shaking my leg or moving around to prep myself for the unexpected, I would have a greater chance of seizing/spazzing out. So, my immediate fix was to just...expect the unexpected? That and shake my legs a ton so that way I wouldn't have "all the blood pool" to my legs or whatever it was. So if you ever see me shake my legs a lot...you know why.
This was cool and all until high school...when I started to get involved with our Filipino club's dances, sports, and music performances. My freshman year I wanted to play basketball for our high school. I never really did organized sports, but I loved basketball. At the tryout, I thought I was doing okay--the other kids knew I played basketball and thought I was good, so I felt confident. However, after I got asked to sub in unexpectedly, I almost fell over from my spasms and I sat out the entire day. I didn't get called back for a second audition. I cried at home. A lot. But that's just the beginning. It started to happen in concerts...I'd stumble while playing percussion and obviously I'd get off beat. While I played guitar sometimes, I'd have to stop playing because of my spasms. One IDT performance (IIRC), it happened to me when I was about to go on stage. Thankfully I was in the back and I was bad at dancing anyways, so it was kind of covered up. But still...it was such a shitty feeling.
Eventually I got the courage to try out for the basketball team again. I didn't make it...but I knew that I wanted to condition for the next year, so I tried out track. See...the thing about track though is that when you start, you have to run when the gun fires. That never worked too well with the whole "unexpected situation" thing, because it pretty much fried my nervous system or whatever was going on. When the gun sounded, I was forced to go into a full sprint which is probably the most stressful thing ever for my body...and I would just convulse and try to finish. Thankfully for the winter season, the 55m was over before it even started so the coach never noticed. During practices, I would always warm myself into a sprint. But during the spring season...it happened during a meet when I ran the 200m (IIRC). I convulsed and my face was sideways...my hands were all contorted...I could barely run. My coach came up to me and said, "James...did you just have a seizure?" I was too nervous to say anything...but I told him what was going on with my body. I also pulled myself from the team after that event...because I was too embarrassed to see my teammates again afterwards. I cried a lot, again.
After this event, my family and I decided to try and get more serious to deduce what was going on. My dad's side of the family has some history with seizures and my dad himself said he would get them sometimes until he outgrew his spasms in college. So I thought to myself, "Okay...there's some hope. But let's double check to make sure." I got a 72 hour EEG and an MRI to make sure that my brain was okay. Unfortunately, the woman who installed my EEG forgot to recharge the batteries...and it only recorded 20 hours. I had an event during those 20 hours though, and it picked up nothing irregular so that checked out. My MRI checked out as well. The only thing left to do was get a genetic test with my dad...but for some reason I was afraid I would find out he wasn't my real father (lol?) and I hate needles so I just put it off. Still to this day. I pretty much settled myself that it'd be okay if I never figured it out. I'd outgrow it.
Okay, this post is getting long with history so long story short...I made the basketball team my senior year. (JV though which is semi-embarrassing but whatever I worked hard as heck to at least make something). I got called up unexpectedly during a game once when a kid fouled out and it happened again. My coach remembered this from my freshman year and I got pulled out. I was really embarrassed, but I just played it off. It kind of sucked because I was a senior playing JV...so this was like another nail in the coffin of embarrassment...but whatever.
College came around and it never happened during a dance performance, thank God. But it did happen a lot during live shows I did...and I would kind of just stop playing for an unknown reason. I played it off though as messing up just to kind of let it go. (Harkening back...but one time I was performing with my youth group as a kid and I got one so bad I actually fell backwards RIP). It also happened once with my ex, Sarah, as we were getting out of a bus. She was yelling at me to hurry up...and it triggered me to kind of fall out of the bus and cut my knee. She cried after because she never knew I was "suffering" from this thing. Alexis knew too, actually. I told her pretty straight off. But she was in a rush to get places sometimes so if I started getting it...I'd kind of just squeeze her hand and tell her to slow down. Thankfully she was understanding and would slow down for me. So...college was kinda crappy, but at least I never cried.
Honestly, for the most part it's under control. Not gonna lie, it's happened when I've driven before...but I just take my foot off the gas and because I'm still mentally aware and physically in control of half my body, things are all good. Thank God. But one time...it happened during Be Team practice when Mikey was going over popping with us. I fell down and I felt really embarrassed. I talked to Gino about it afterwards because I felt we were close enough as friends. It just sucked because at that point...I was already so insecure about myself as a dancer amongst all these other people and I didn't feel any comfort or solace in knowing that I just embarrassed myself amongst my peers. It never happened before in a practice like that...it also had been a long time since it happened in a big group setting.
Welp, and NOW I'm writing this today because it happened like 3 times during practice today. It interfered during parts that I kind of had a solo...and I already felt insecure because I didn't know all the choreo we needed to after my LA trip. So...you can imagine how I felt during practice. That, and I've been kind of having a crappy day?
Okay I'm tired of writing history crap so I'll just put this out there.
To sum up. I get seizures/spasms every so often. My family and I haven't been able to diagnose exactly what it is after multiple doctor visits, neurologists, tests, etc. It's been happening since I was a kid and it interferes with my life and confidence sometimes. I'm not hurt though (at least physically). So if you see it happen to me in person...support would be great! No need to feel bad though or sorry. Shit happens. If I act like nothing happened and I'm okay...that's all that matters.
I've posted about this a couple times on my finsta to kind of get that quick vent out...but for those of you who don't know, I suffer from some unknown seizure-like symptoms? Pretty much what happens is that the entire half of my body starts to tighten up and convulse and there's nothing I can do to control it. Mentally, I'm all there and I can use the other half of my body (for the most part), but from my lips to my toes...I can't move. It's happened ever since I was a kid and to be honest, I never really thought much of it. It used to only happen at home with no one watching so I just thought that it didn't matter. Out of sight...out of mind.
However, one day I started getting them in public. I used to get them altar serving...if the Priest called on me too quickly and I wasn't mentally prepared, I'd stumble to him, unable to control half of my body. One day my parents watched as the Priest kind of looked at me in shock, because this time I almost fell over. They had me go to the doctor immediately who said I may be suffering from either dehydration/lack of sodium or some form of seizures. I got an EEG for a few hours, but nothing was ever uncovered. The only thing that added up was that if I wasn't shaking my leg or moving around to prep myself for the unexpected, I would have a greater chance of seizing/spazzing out. So, my immediate fix was to just...expect the unexpected? That and shake my legs a ton so that way I wouldn't have "all the blood pool" to my legs or whatever it was. So if you ever see me shake my legs a lot...you know why.
This was cool and all until high school...when I started to get involved with our Filipino club's dances, sports, and music performances. My freshman year I wanted to play basketball for our high school. I never really did organized sports, but I loved basketball. At the tryout, I thought I was doing okay--the other kids knew I played basketball and thought I was good, so I felt confident. However, after I got asked to sub in unexpectedly, I almost fell over from my spasms and I sat out the entire day. I didn't get called back for a second audition. I cried at home. A lot. But that's just the beginning. It started to happen in concerts...I'd stumble while playing percussion and obviously I'd get off beat. While I played guitar sometimes, I'd have to stop playing because of my spasms. One IDT performance (IIRC), it happened to me when I was about to go on stage. Thankfully I was in the back and I was bad at dancing anyways, so it was kind of covered up. But still...it was such a shitty feeling.
Eventually I got the courage to try out for the basketball team again. I didn't make it...but I knew that I wanted to condition for the next year, so I tried out track. See...the thing about track though is that when you start, you have to run when the gun fires. That never worked too well with the whole "unexpected situation" thing, because it pretty much fried my nervous system or whatever was going on. When the gun sounded, I was forced to go into a full sprint which is probably the most stressful thing ever for my body...and I would just convulse and try to finish. Thankfully for the winter season, the 55m was over before it even started so the coach never noticed. During practices, I would always warm myself into a sprint. But during the spring season...it happened during a meet when I ran the 200m (IIRC). I convulsed and my face was sideways...my hands were all contorted...I could barely run. My coach came up to me and said, "James...did you just have a seizure?" I was too nervous to say anything...but I told him what was going on with my body. I also pulled myself from the team after that event...because I was too embarrassed to see my teammates again afterwards. I cried a lot, again.
After this event, my family and I decided to try and get more serious to deduce what was going on. My dad's side of the family has some history with seizures and my dad himself said he would get them sometimes until he outgrew his spasms in college. So I thought to myself, "Okay...there's some hope. But let's double check to make sure." I got a 72 hour EEG and an MRI to make sure that my brain was okay. Unfortunately, the woman who installed my EEG forgot to recharge the batteries...and it only recorded 20 hours. I had an event during those 20 hours though, and it picked up nothing irregular so that checked out. My MRI checked out as well. The only thing left to do was get a genetic test with my dad...but for some reason I was afraid I would find out he wasn't my real father (lol?) and I hate needles so I just put it off. Still to this day. I pretty much settled myself that it'd be okay if I never figured it out. I'd outgrow it.
Okay, this post is getting long with history so long story short...I made the basketball team my senior year. (JV though which is semi-embarrassing but whatever I worked hard as heck to at least make something). I got called up unexpectedly during a game once when a kid fouled out and it happened again. My coach remembered this from my freshman year and I got pulled out. I was really embarrassed, but I just played it off. It kind of sucked because I was a senior playing JV...so this was like another nail in the coffin of embarrassment...but whatever.
College came around and it never happened during a dance performance, thank God. But it did happen a lot during live shows I did...and I would kind of just stop playing for an unknown reason. I played it off though as messing up just to kind of let it go. (Harkening back...but one time I was performing with my youth group as a kid and I got one so bad I actually fell backwards RIP). It also happened once with my ex, Sarah, as we were getting out of a bus. She was yelling at me to hurry up...and it triggered me to kind of fall out of the bus and cut my knee. She cried after because she never knew I was "suffering" from this thing. Alexis knew too, actually. I told her pretty straight off. But she was in a rush to get places sometimes so if I started getting it...I'd kind of just squeeze her hand and tell her to slow down. Thankfully she was understanding and would slow down for me. So...college was kinda crappy, but at least I never cried.
Honestly, for the most part it's under control. Not gonna lie, it's happened when I've driven before...but I just take my foot off the gas and because I'm still mentally aware and physically in control of half my body, things are all good. Thank God. But one time...it happened during Be Team practice when Mikey was going over popping with us. I fell down and I felt really embarrassed. I talked to Gino about it afterwards because I felt we were close enough as friends. It just sucked because at that point...I was already so insecure about myself as a dancer amongst all these other people and I didn't feel any comfort or solace in knowing that I just embarrassed myself amongst my peers. It never happened before in a practice like that...it also had been a long time since it happened in a big group setting.
Welp, and NOW I'm writing this today because it happened like 3 times during practice today. It interfered during parts that I kind of had a solo...and I already felt insecure because I didn't know all the choreo we needed to after my LA trip. So...you can imagine how I felt during practice. That, and I've been kind of having a crappy day?
Okay I'm tired of writing history crap so I'll just put this out there.
To sum up. I get seizures/spasms every so often. My family and I haven't been able to diagnose exactly what it is after multiple doctor visits, neurologists, tests, etc. It's been happening since I was a kid and it interferes with my life and confidence sometimes. I'm not hurt though (at least physically). So if you see it happen to me in person...support would be great! No need to feel bad though or sorry. Shit happens. If I act like nothing happened and I'm okay...that's all that matters.
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