Keep Your Head Up,

and your Faith strong.

I'm slightly hesitant to blog about this, because I intended for my blog to be public after talking to Sonya last week. We both were supposed to blog last week (still waiting on you, Sonya) but so much has happened in the past few weeks I really just need to get this out there.

A few weeks ago my mom asked me if I could go home for Indigenous People's Day (Columbus Day) weekend because my sister has been "seeing and hearing" things. She told me that my sister has been having disturbing thoughts and it would be nice if I watched over her while they visited lola (my grandma) for her 90th birthday. I was pretty hesitant because I was supposed to have D1 lock-in and audition for UPro's set, but at the end of the day, I realized the situation was serious and family comes first.

Fast forward to today, and I've been stressed out after returning to Boston. I feel as if I've been smacked in the face with work and responsibilities--forgetting about meetings, running late to an extra practice for a piece I didn't learn, and a ton of school work/volunteer work. To make matters worse, I barely got any sleep last night (slept at 3:00AM), just lazying around to unwind from all the stress (terrible idea).

I was able to get through the first half of the day well, though! I finished my work for my class, ate a healthy, sustaining lunch to help get me through the day, learned a KPop dance to teach for my volunteer thing in Chinatown, and learning some set pieces.

However, after I finished volunteering...I saw a text in my family group chat that my sister would be going to the ER. Yesterday, my sister saw a therapist who said she may have mild schizophrenia, but I was shocked to learn that things may have escalated that much in the matter of a day. I texted and called my mom, who I could tell was holding back her emotions whilst at work, saying that in order for my sister to see an appropriate doctor, she must first check into the ER and be monitored. It was difficult, because my parents were both at work still and my sister couldn't just be placed in an ambulance alone. My mom was telling me how anxious she was, because of what has began transpiring, and asked me if I could pray. I texted a few close Antioch friends, so as to not spread the news too quickly if they could pray and received a ton of support. I'm endlessly thankful.

This was all right before I had to do my makeup auditions for UPro, as well as audition the rest of the set. On my way to BU, I could feel the anxiety welling up inside me, and tried to eat some food to sustain me for the night and practice some pieces. I knew though that my heart wasn't in it and told e-board and Stephen if I could skip his audition, to give myself a little bit of a mental break. Forcing myself to be there, at that moment in time was so difficult, but I hate to back out of a commitment.

Well...the anxiety and emotions got the best of me and I ended up going to the bathroom to cry for like 20-30 minutes. I hate showing these kinds of emotions sometimes, especially because everyone on the team thinks of me as some funny, stupid, dork. I just needed to tell myself that it's okay to cry and it's okay to feel a certain way. If you know me and my background...I've been through so much with my sister. From being close friends, to bullying and hurting her (more than I ever knew), to her first therapy sessions, to going away to Boston...it's been an extremely difficult journey. Sometimes, I ask God why it feels as if I've been blessed with so much and He decided to give her the shorter end of the stick. She's had more than her fair share of health issues (bodily, mental, hormonal, etc.) and her fair share of hardships. Everything just sort of came back...and to have something like schizophrenia happen really hit home.

My thoughts earlier: "Schizophrenia. That disease people always associate crazy people to have...people who hear voices and go out violent rampages. The disease John Nash had in the movie, A Beautiful Mind where he's shown to go insane after a successful life. I googled earlier, "Schizophrenia" in hopes of find out what the symptoms were. 'Maybe she didn't have schizophrenia. Maybe this was just a one time thing. Maybe things were really okay, after all.' No...all the symptoms line up. Voices? Check. Sees weird things? Check. Lack of social activity/changed mood? I mean...she's always been a bit anti-social, but is this another sign? Maybe...no...I think she does have schizophrenia."

I went through the rest of the night feeling pretty down. I even told Charmaine off a bit because she was giving me an attitude that I was just not having today. Normally, I'll put comments to the side. The lack of sleep, emotional stress, physical wear, and overall just crap really hit me and I felt like I did really, really bad at auditions.

Thankfully though, I have some really awesome friends (especially the Antiochers) who have given my sister, myself, and my family endless support throughout all of this. It's really sad and I can't say that I'm happy, but at this point in time I think I just need to really keep my head up, and my Faith strong. God has a plan, and I just need to trust that He'll be taking care of my sister. I just need to have Faith, that she's in good hands.

As an update, she's leaving the ER tonight, thankfully and will go home. She'll have to be monitored by my parents, however. To anyone who reads this, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I love my sister so much and would really appreciate the support.

Thank you.

Update: I'm really hard on myself for writing, but I just needed to keep this even more informal. It's just really hard to breathe right now, I feel like I'm gasping for breaths my anxiety is so high. Just need to eat and sleep. The rest will follow.

NOT YET ALL SUMMER 16

This was written in August. I'm posting it now unfinished cause I'm tired of seeing it in my already existing tabs.

---

There's always something wonderful about summer time. Ever since I was a kid I've always admired the 95+ degree weather and sunshine like no other. This summer, I've been taking the time to really appreciate the things that I love in life. With the recent hate crimes, shootings, and negative energy in the world, AJ Delgra at The commVENTION put it very simply: "With all of this fucking hate in the world, this--this, right here [us dancing, doing what we love] is what matters."

 When I heard that statement, I had to let it marinate for a little bit. A part of me was thinking, "Does that mean for us to do selfishly what we love while the rest of the world crumbles?" However, what I ended up coming to was this: With so much hate in this world, why waste time contributing to that hate? There are so many things in this world to love, I should not embody such a hateful spirit.

 This past school year, I've self-admittedly done a lot of hating. Yes, I am/was a "hater." Somewhere down the road, I let myself swell with endless amounts of negative energy that slowly seeped forth into my daily life. Occurrences when I'd have normally been very understanding, I instead became bitter and judgmental. This affected everything--like relationships with Alexis, my close friends at NEU, family, God, etc. Overall, I was just not a happy person. Letting myself accumulate this negative energy was destructive and harmful not only to those around me, but to myself as well.

So, this summer I've been focusing on trying to be a more loving person. Grudges which I've let myself build up, I've began to let go. Old friendships which I've let fade away, I've started to try and re-kindle. While it's difficult, things have been progressing forward!

1) I've been dancing more. A lot more.

I've been going to workshops hosted by Kinematix and Revolve when I can/when I'm in Boston and went to Green Street here and there (tough when you're always in NJ). I also attended commVENTION, The Wannabes' first ever dance intensive. 10 class in 2 days--crazy tiring, but extremely inspiring! If there were a team I'd want to join in NJ off a first glance, I'd want to join Wannabes. I also went to my first House of Movement class with Jane Yoon (and Mike Myung/Patricia) to attend classes taught by Company members/alum, Alfred Remulla and Matt Montenegro. Those classes were...really hard. I also taught my first Kinematix workshop, which was AMAZING. I'll probably write a separate post on that at another point because I'll be teaching again tomorrow for summerPRO (probably the same choreo...got sick and couldn't make a new one).

Dancing helps me feel full--it helps me feel a bit more whole. I love the sense of community it brings and I myself feel I am getting better as a dancer. Yay for doing things you love, amirite?!

2) I've been making new friends/reconnecting with old ones.